It was June 1st, and approaching the end of Hilary’s 10th grade school year. She was happy it was summer, and wanted to go home, relax and swim. Hilary walked outside of West Oak High school, and went to the curb were she waited for her father diurnally. 20 minutes later she was still waiting, but decided he was just running late. Her father’s name was Robert Latner, and he worked at Hampton Hospital. He was a benevolent man who achieved notoriety in the hospital for neurosurgeon and performed many surgeries with prowess. Hilary started to walk home, as she appreciated the warm zephyr and relaxing weather. She turned around the block, almost at her house. The next thing she saw would change the rest of her life.
Billowing piles of smoke rose to the sky. Her backpack crashed to the ground, and the sound of her feet running echoed against the cracked pavement. Her biggest fear was now facing her, losing everything she had. By the time Hilary reached her blazing home, tears had been streaked against her face, and her now feeble house was crumbling. Firemen and police cars swarmed the house, and there was also an ambulance. An ambulance. She remembered her father, and how he was late to pick her up. Was he ok? Is he trapped inside? Hilary ran to the police officer nearest to her.
“My name is Hilary Latner, and where is my father?” she screamed while crying.
“He escaped from the fire, and is at the hospital now. He has some burns on his arms, but nothing bad.” said the gaunt police officer.
A wave of relief came over Hilary, but she was still terrified for her home. Where would she stay, and how did this happen?
“I can bring you to the hospital now to be with your dad if you’d like. It’s not safe to be here, especially with all the smoke.” The police officer said breaking her thoughts.
“But what about my house!” Hilary said panicked.
“There is nothing you can do now Hilary, just come with me.” He said in a grave voice.
For Hilary the ride seemed like an eternity. She knew that her life would never be the same. The thing that she was wondering the most about was how the fire started. She knew it wasn’t the stove or oven, because her father didn’t like to cook, and he wouldn’t in the middle of the day. He mostly ate quick meals when he could because he was always working different hours, and called in at different times. So how did it start? She looked up through the small window of the police car. The California sun was so bright, and Hilary wished that it could just be a normal day. They arrived at the hospital that she had seen so many times to visit her father, and realized how terrible today had been.
She walked through the bright hallways, which had paintings and colorings spread everywhere. She walked into the room, not knowing what to expect. Her father was sitting on the bed, his face pallor. The nurse was finishing putting bandages around the bottom of his arms near his hands, where he got skin grafts, and covering contusions. His head peered up, and his face had a mixed expression. She quickly walked to him and sat down on the side of the bed.
“What happened?” Hilary asked trying to contain her curiosity.
“I’m trying to figure that out too Hilary. I was sitting in the den, and the fire just exploded and spread everywhere.” He pause and continued. “I have been thinking about how it started since I ran out of the house, and nothing me or you did started it.”
“What do you mean?” Hilary asked with a angry tone.
“ I think someone set the fire from the outside to try and hurt me. I am just glad they didn’t hurt you.”
They were both silent while sitting on the hospital bed. Hilary’s father than arose and spoke.
“ I have to sign a few papers, but then we can leave.”
“ Where will we go?” Hilary said unsure.
“Anywhere but here.” He said as he walked to the front desk.
Hilary was sitting in the cold hotel bed. She had nothing, and it seemed like a terrible nightmare that she couldn’t wake up from. She would always abhor the person who did this to her. Hilary’s father walked out from the square bathroom that smelled of clean towels and soap.
“I think I know who might have did this.” Hilary’s father said slowly. “ The police called and have a possible suspect now.”
“Who?” Hilary chirped
“ 5 years ago when I was working I had a patient who we thought had brain cancer. She turned out not having it, and I misdiagnosed her. She died, and it is irrevocable, but it was an accident and accidents happen in medicine.”
“Oh.” Said Hilary unsure of what to say.
“The suspect was her husband. He was depressed that he lost his wife, which I understand, but then it turned to anger towards me. I have gotten numerous letters from him over the years. I am afraid they burned down in the fire so if it was him, which I am leery it was, then that evidence is gone.”
Four months later Paul Breanen, the main suspect, was convicted. After the police found the gasoline which was disseminated to start the fire, and a perfect math of his shoe print he was arrested and later admitted to the crime. As for Hilary and her father their new home was constructed, and finished 14 months later. There lives changed forever, but they both learned to forget the past, and look towards the future.
11 comments:
1) After reading my story I would like the reader to get something out of it. I would like for them to enjoy it, but mainly to understand the theme which is not to look at the past, but to look towards the future. The points in my story that reflect this is the house fire, and the misdiagnosis that the father accidentally caused.
2) The thing that works well in this piece is that the main characters were able to overcome the past together, and also how the past and future in this story worked well together. It was easy to write about because I got to imagine any type of past, and mix it together with a future that could be a good climax.
3) Something that was not working well was having to come to a climax so fast. It was difficult to think of something that could happen so suddenly in my characters life. Problems that I encountered was trying to keep my story under a certain word limit. I always wanted to add more setting or mood description. Weaknesses within my paper is some of the word choice, I have to revise and make sure I used the vocabulary correctly, and possibly add more description to some parts. It was difficult to write about Hilary and her father overcoming the fire. It was difficult to do this because if that happened to an ordinary person it would be very traumatic and take a very long time to overcome.
4) Questions I have about this piece is how to improve the resolution. I want to know from feedback if I came to it to quickly, or did not solve it the correct way. I would also like the reader to comment on my punctuation and plot, along with the resolution.
1.) Great story H.Spring! The conflict of this story was when the main character's house was set on fire and burned down. This conflict is external.I was very invested in the resolution. Although I think that the ending and resolution were quick, they were also good. Maybe if you found away to make it longer, but use the same ending and ideas, than it will make your story even better.
2.)At first the main character Hailey is worried about her father and her house. And over the course of the story she comes to accept the fact that her house has burned down and her father will be okay. She learns to move on from the past, and keep looking forward.
3.)My favorite part of the story was when you described Hailey running to her house in a panic. Which was located in the rising action. There was a lot of good description and I could picture the character perfectly. My favorite line was,"For Hilary the ride seemed like an eternity. She knew that her life would never be the same." I like how you build up the story and use a metaphor. It was well constructed.
4.)This story's best quality was both its characters and conflict. It was interesting hearing Hailey's thoughts and what was going on in her head throughout the story. The conflict was also interesting, leaving the readers anxious to hear who started the fire and why. Almost like a mystery.
5.)The theme of the story was forget the past, and look towards the future. In the story Hilary is upset that her house was burning down and her father was injured. But towards the end, she accepted it, and just moved on.
6.)I believe that Hannah can just simply revise her story by re-reading it, checking for sentence fluency, and making sure it sounds good. I would also read it out loud, to see how it sounds.
heyyyyyy hannahhhhhhhhhhh.
1) I could easily tell that the conflict in this story was that Hilary's house was on fire as she arrived home from school. Her father had to go to the hospital for some minor burns and her house and her possessions were all lost. I wouldn't change the drama because i think that the whole story is pretty much based on a dramatic conflict and is written well.
2)I think that at the beginning of the story, Hilary is kind of annoyed that her father is late so she ends up having to walk home, but she then feels sorrow for her father and her things being destroyed.
3) My favorite part of the stroy was when she was running back to her house and starting to get nervous. I think she explained it very well."Billowing piles of smoke rose to the sky. Her backpack crashed to the ground, and the sound of her feet running echoed against the cracked pavement." This was the rising action.
4)I think that the best quality was the story line and the well thought out twist in the end because people wouold be expecting something like a stove fire but arson is interesting and gives the story more excitement or mystery.
5)She said it in her story, but she said that you should "forget the past, and look towards the future." They had to get over their loss and move on together.
6)The only thing I would change would be to change the contex of some of the vocab words to make sense in the sentence. ex."notoriety neurosurgeon in the hospital."
1) The conflict of the story is solving who burnt down the main character, and her father’s house. It is an external problem. I was fairly interested in the solution to the problem. The only thing that could have made the story better was a little more development of the main character so I would care more about what happened to her.
2) The main character changes over the course of the story by going from just an average 15 or 16-year-old girl to a more mature lady, knowing and understanding that the past is the past and nothing can be done about that. Their great epiphany is that what is in the past is in the past and nothing can change that. The change is important because she lost everything she owned and dwelling on the past wouldn’t let her forget and move on in life. If the author didn’t have this epiphany she would probably become depressed.
3) My favorite part of the story was when the man who started the fire was caught. This happened in the climax. “‘5 years ago when I was working I had a patient who we thought had brain cancer. She turned out not having it, and I misdiagnosed her. She died, and it is irrevocable, but it was an accident and accidents happen in medicine.’ ” This quote stands out because it shows how dangerous the field of medicine is.
4) This tale’s best quality is its message because it is very important to have that quality to not dwell in the past especially at our age.
5) The stories theme is to not dwell on the past. The author drops hints that this is the message by always having the main character look forward in the writing.
6) The author needs to describe the main character more so someone cares about what happens to her.
The conflict of the story is that Hilary's house burned down and she temporarily had nowhere to live. The conflict is external. I was pretty invested in how the conflict was resolved because i wanted to know how the fire started.It was resolved by convicting the arsonist and having her house rebuilt 14 months later. The story could have been made more dramatic if maybe a family member died in the fire, forcing the father to get revenge on the man who did it or something.
Over the course of the story the protagonist changed because she learned how to deal with her past and look towards the future. This change is important to the story because if Hilary didn't change she would dwell on her house burning down for a long time.
My favorite part of the story was when Hilary was walking home from school and saw her house burning down. I liked it because she used a lot of descriptive words, allowing me to perfectly picture what was going on. This part of the story was in the rising action."Billowing piles of smoke rose to the sky. Her backpack crashed to the ground, and the sound of her feet running echoed against the cracked pavement. Her biggest fear was now facing her, losing everything she had. By the time Hilary reached her blazing home, tears had been streaked against her face, and her now feeble house was crumbling."
This tale's best quality was its ability to keep the reader interested. I was always wondering what was going to happen next and the plot was never made obvious as to what was going to happen. The story's theme is to never take what you have for granted and stop living in the past and start looking into the future. I don't think you need to revise anything because the story had everything it needed. Good job!
The conflict of the story was to try and figure out who lit the house and fire and how they were going to deal with their homeless problem. This is an external conflict. I was interested in the outcome of the story, but what could have made it more dramatic would be if the man that was convicted commited suicide or something.
The story takes place over a short period of time so I would not say that the protagonist changes a lot.
My favorite part of the story was the ending when the daughter and father decided to move on with their lives, and get over it.
My favorite part of the story was when the man who started the fire was caught. This happened in the climax. “‘5 years ago when I was working I had a patient who we thought had brain cancer. She turned out not having it, and I misdiagnosed her. She died, and it is irrevocable, but it was an accident and accidents happen in medicine.’ ” This quote stands out because it shows how dangerous the field of medicine is.
I think that the stories best quality would be its conflict. It was a very good a realistic conflict. I think this beause it was one that would be a horrible situation for anybody.
The theme of the story is that if life is bad at one point look for the better part of that situation.
The thing I think that you should put some more work into is better character development. You didn't describe the characters physical or emotional characteristics.
The conflict of the story was to try and figure out who lit the house and fire this external conflict was a crime that ruinned her life but i tought that she could have been sadder than she seemed and mabey you could mention what was her most prized possetion that she lost.
At first the main character Hailey is worried about her father and her house. And over the course of the story she comes to accept the fact that her house has burned down. i didn't like thisbecause she lost her life she should rebuild her same life unless she hated her life.
The story takes place over a short period of time so I would not say that the protagonist changes a lot. My favorite part was when the house burned down because it was the only cool part.
I think that the stories best quality would be its conflict. It was a very good a realistic conflict. I didn't like how she left every thing behind because she wasted her whole life.
There needs to be more emotion becase it has a sad theme but she is not very sad throughout the story.
1. The conflict of the story was Hillary’s house was burned down and neither her or her father knew what started it. The conflict was external. It was resolved when the police used evidence from the fire and arrested the suspect that Hillary’s dad thought of. I don’t think anything needs to be added to make the story more dramatic. It is good the way it is.
2. Through the course of the story, Hillary changes because at first she wants to be angry and hate the person that burned their house. However, she learns through her dad’s actions, you have to forgive and forget and not make the same mistake, which was her insight. This is important to the story because it shows how she matures and learns from experiences and by examples. If Hillary didn’t change, the story would be different because Hillary would still have been mad about the fire and not started a new life for herself and just be glad her dad was still alive.
3. My favorite part of the story is when Hillary is walking home from school and all of a sudden she sees her house up in smoke. This occurred in the rising action of the story. “Her backpack crashed to the ground, and the sound of her feet running echoed against the cracked pavement.” I really like this quote because I can picture exactly what is happening. Also, I feel like I am experiencing the story because of the detailed description.
4. The story’s best quality was the conflict. It was the best because it was very original and well developed. It made me feel like I was in the story experiencing it and actually cared about how the story ended.
5. The theme of the story was to forget the past and look to the future. This is built throughout the story because the author gives an example about what she has to do from the conflict to move on. Also, to not hold grudges because they don’t get you far or accomplish anything.
6. The only thing the author needs to revise is grammar and spelling. Other than that, the story was really good.
GREAT JOB HANNAH!!!! <3
1. The conflict of the atory was that Hillary,s house got burnt down and they needed to figure out who did it an where they were going to live. The conflict was external and it was resolved by them finding theman who set the house on fire.
2. Hillary changes throughout the story by first wanting to get revenge on the person who burnt her house down but then she realizes just worry about where she and her father are going to live and everything will be ok. The chane is important because they may never have figured out who it was if she went trying to do it herself.
3. My favorite part of the story is when the man who set the fire is proven guilty. This occurred in the conclusion of the story." After the police found the gasoline which was disseminated to start the fire, and a perfect math of his shoe print he was arrested and later admitted to the crime." I liked this line because I liked how you gave the details on how the prove the man was guilty.
4. The story’s best quality was the conflict. It was the best because it was well developed and I would have never thought to write about something like this. It was very creative.
5. The theme of the story was to face what is most important first and everything will eventually fall into place. This is built throughout the story because the author shows how everything worked out when she just focused on her father and where they were going to live first before who did it. Also not to take revenge becasue it can get you into trouble.
6. The only thing that you should do is re read it to ccheck the speelling and grammer but other than that it was great!
Vocab Words Hannah Spring
Diurnal- (adjective) I used this in my story when her father wasn’t there, but her usually picked her up diurnally, or daily.
Benevolent- (adjective) I used this portraying to the father to say that he was a kind man. I used the word benevolent to show that.
Notoriety- (noun) This word I used meaning famous, but could be in a somewhat bad way. I used this to say he was famous within the hospital for his surgeries.
Prowess- (noun) I used the word prowess to say that Hilary’s father was very good at performing surgery and had skill, or prowess.
Zephyr- (noun) Zephyr was used in my story when I described Hilary’s walk home from school, and her experiencing good weather, and a warm breeze.
Feeble- (adjective) During the rising action of my story I described how weak her house was by saying that it was feeble.
Gaunt- (adjective) I used this to describe the very thin and boney police officer that Hilary talked to find out further information during the fire.
Grave- (adjective) Grave was used in my story to describe the mood during the fire, and how the policeman was acting very serious.
Pallor-(noun) Hilary’s father was very pale while sitting the hospital bed, and I used pallor to describe this.
Graft-(noun) This vocabulary word was used when I was describing Hilary’s father’s skin grafts he had to get on his arms. He had severe burns.
Contusion-( noun) This was used in my story to describe when the nurse in the hospital was putting bandages around his arms.
Abhor-(verb) I used this verb to show how much of a hate Hilary had for the person that set the fire and did this to her family.
Irrevocable-(adjective) This word was used in my story to show a mistake that Hilary’s father made that could never be changed.
Disseminated-(verb)- I used this in my resolution to show that the suspect disseminated gasoline to start the fire.
The greatest change I made between my first draft and final copy of my story was my word choice. I had to add a lot of vocabulary, and better describing words to the text of my story.
For me the comments on my story were more effective than the guide. The comments were better because the last paragraph focused on what needed to be changed. This helped me go straight to what was the problem, or problems in my story.
I think that the greatest strength in my story is the climax. I think it is a strength because it controls the whole story's emotions and characters. I think it also makes the reader understand because a fire is a common problem.
Advice I would give to further students would be to pick a very dramatic climax, because the reaction of the characters will be easier to think of. Also, try to incorporate a good setting within the story.
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